It was as I was standing in front of the mirror that I began reflecting back over last week. Last week was difficult, particularly for me and the girls. We had guests clear up until we went to bed on Monday night and it had been a very full, very fun weekend. Thus, we were all a bit spent and overstimulated. Compound this emotional drain with the fact that Tuesday marked the FIRST "day-after-Labor-day" in 8 years that I was not returning to a classroom at MMS to prepare and/or welcome students for their first day of school.
In reflecting on the fact that I was NOT having to get up early that day to go to school, I began to think about what I miss about this week of the school year as a public school teacher. I thought about my crazy, fun colleagues. I thought about all the new teachers at MMS this year and felt my heart break a bit at not being there to watch them grow as teachers and at not being able to help, encourage, and support them in their first year of teaching. I thought about my 7th graders from last year, who are now the "top-dog" 8th graders and wished that I could be there to see them in the halls and ask how their summers were. A few particular students came to mind and my heart ached a little at not being able to know how they are and that I don't even have the RIGHT to know how they are anymore (no longer being a GAPS employee). I thought about the delightful predictability of the bell schedule. I thought about the feeling of control I had over my little classroom kingdom and how nice it was to have a room that was entirely my domain and how I got to set the rules for how things went in that classroom. I thought about The Binder: the one that sat on my desk and contained the district's pacing guide for the math standards I was to teach between September and June. I actually, for a few days (I'm quite sad to admit) MISSED that binder, with the irony being how often I had loathed that binder for making me feel inadequate to the task of teaching. I missed my principal, to whom I could -- and often did -- run whenever I had a classroom conundrum I couldn't work out on my own. He had many more years experience as a teacher and with students than I had, so he almost always had very helpful advice for me in solving classroom problems. He was also very patient with my faults and (more frequently than I'd like to confess) kindly, but sternly, redirected me when I was out of line.
Long story short, I missed all the FUN, WONDERFUL, FANTASTIC things about the first week of the school year.
In my "new" life, I'm a Domestic Administrator. Well, that's what I like to call myself. I have a great amount of responsibility as the keeper of our home. Meal planning, shopping, cleaning, organizing, training a preschooler and a toddler, supporting my husband, planning and executing learning experiences and activities for my girls... The list goes on. I've been feeling somewhat like a spinning top at home. I needed someone to stop me and help me get back on track, but I didn't realize how badly I was spinning. I just felt incompetent and overwhelmed at the weight of responsibility riding on me as wife, mother, and home-maker.
In my feelings of discontent in my CURRENT life, my gaze turned to the past...my life as a middle school teacher. As the saying goes, the grass in my past looked MUCH greener than my current pasture. The more I thought I about what happens at MMS during the first week of the school year -- the more I allowed myself to dwell on all that I miss -- the more DISCONTENT I became with our present circumstances. My present is, in SOME respects, unfamiliar and uncomfortable in its unfamiliarity, so I yearned for what was. And in yearning for what was, I began to be like the foolish woman of whom Solomon spoke in Proverbs 14:1...
The more I dwelt on the past, what used to be, the MORE discontent I became with the present (although I would have said how thankful I really am for our present situation in life and that it was perfectly normal and natural for me to feel morose, just for a little while, that I'm not a classroom teacher anymore). In my discontent, I got edgy and cranky and snippy with the girls and, admittedly, with my husband. In response to my foul mood, the girls' moods turned just as foul and we ended up butting heads for the middle part of the week. It was a LONG three days. This frightful storm of female discontent and frustration only increased my feelings of fear and inadequacy and I slipped deeper towards depression. And, like the foolish woman of Proverbs 14:1, it was MY fault. I was tearing down my own house with my discontent.
I find it perfectly awful when I know that I'm the cause of an emotional or relational storm and that I'm the one who needs to change if the storm is to pass. This did not help my mood.
Thankfully the Holy Spirit got my attention by Wednesday night (although Thursday was still a tough day) and my thoughts began to shift. I won't explain here all that David and I discussed on Wednesday and Thursday evening, except to say that BOTH conversations were hugely therapeutic for me and I began Friday morning with a much better outlook on things. I decided to cut some things out of my life in order to be able to focus more on my job at home. I committed to bringing back in that which I had been skimping on, namely, true and honest Bible study and prayer EVERY morning. I am happy to say that the Lord met me in my deep, dark place and, by His Spirit, brought me out of the funk and set my feet firmly back on the path He has marked out for me. That whole process is a story unto itself, so I'll just suffice to say, Praise the Lord for being present in the midst our troubles and quick to answer us when we cry out to Him in our distress!
Okay, so what does this have to do with Egypt?
It was as I was lingering in front of my bathroom mirror on Sunday morning that my thoughts clearly fixed on the story of the Israelites as they came out of Egypt. How many times in the years between the Exodus and the taking of the Promised Land did they grumble to Moses and to God about their new circumstances? Here God had freed them from SLAVERY in Egypt, from the murder of their children, from the abuse by their overseers. Here was God leading them into a land flowing with milk and honey, the land that was to be their inheritance, to be enjoyed by the people coming out of Egypt and all their descendants after them. And YET, they had the short-sighted audacity to look longingly over their shoulder and pine for their life as slaves in Egypt. They thought only about the good things in Egypt, namely, the food. And they grumbled at their new circumstances.
Let's look for a moment, shall we, at their new circumstances: yes, they were in a dessert. BUT...they were being led by God Himself, who traveled with them as a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. He provided for all of their needs. He was leading them to, as I said, a land flowing with milk and honey...paradise! A land that would be their OWN. He was protecting and defending them with His very own Presence.
And they longingly looked over their shoulders at slavery in Egypt and pined to return.
As I was recalling what I know of the history of God's people, He very clearly showed me how I was being like them. God, in His infinite wisdom and grace, has allowed the Haga-bears everything we've worked for and wanted up to this point in our marriage: David's job, our new house, I get to BE A FULL-TIME HOMEMAKER AND MOM, and much more. It's MY new job that I want to focus on here. I've been asking, praying, begging, PINING to be a full-time mom to my girls for all the years they've been alive. Now, here I am in the midst of it and I'm realizing what a big job it is and I'm looking over my shoulder and yearning (BLECH!) for the "ease" (really just familiarity) of slavery to a classroom.
WHAT??!!
Wow. That sure got my attention. And I am SO very thankful to God for putting my actions in perspective the way He did for me, especially just before worship and communion. As I start a new week in my home, with my precious girls and my very loving husband, I am praising HIM for His goodness to us and seeking HIM for the strength, grace, perseverance, diligence, wisdom, discernment, and patience to do my NEW job...for His glory, for the good of my family, and for my own good, too.
I need not fear the enormity of my new job, for...
"His divine power has granted to ME all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called ME to His own glory and excellence..." (1 Peter 1:3, ESV)I hope this encourages another woman out there to value and appreciate where she is RIGHT NOW and to know that her hope is in the Lord, for He has PROMISED that where He guides, He will also, ALWAYS, provide!
