Reflections

Today's post is really nothing more than my attempt to put down "on paper" what's been rumbling around in my brain as I experience this "home-working" lifestyle.  This will likely be a series of posts because each idea takes some development.  I'm going to attempt the write without worrying about wittiness, eloquence or perfection.  I just want to write what's in my heart and on my mind. 

Reflection #1:  Perfection is NOT the aim.  Relationship IS.

So, I'll admit it: I'm a perfectionist.  I have a large catalog of magazine photo spreads (you know, of houses and recipes and perfectly-dressed children), Pinterest posts, etc. in my brain.  Every time I do something with my husband, my children, or my house, my brain automatically compares what's going on in my reality at that moment with the standard of perfection represented by the pictures in my memory bank.  When the two don't match, warning bells go off in my perfectionist mind..."WARNING!! WARNING!! THIS DOES NOT MATCH THAT STANDARD OF PERFECTION, THEREFORE IT'S NOT RIGHT, PRODUCTIVE, OR FUN!!!"

I'll give you an example.  I downloaded (from a Pinterest link) number mats to use with play dough to practice number recognition with A during preschool.  Here's the Pinterest picture:

(Found HERE)

I was totally okay with not having PINK play dough for this activity with A.  As we began with the mat for the number 1, I realized, "Oh,  I have to teach A how to make a play dough snake!"  This I didn't think about ahead of time, but that was okay.  We rolled a few snakes and I started noticing myself wanting to do it FOR her, because my snakes were so much more smooth and consistent than hers.  We did the mat practice for 1 and 2 and then moved on to 3.  When we got to the point of making a number 3 with play dough, A did not use the snake to make a nice, curvy number 3.  Instead, she started breaking off bits of the snake and lining them up next to each other inside the outline of 3 on her mat.

That's when the perfectionist warning bells went off in my brain.  A was NOT creating a 3 that looked like it "should."  Her mat did NOT look like the picture on Pinterest.

I could feel my anxiety level beginning to rise.

Thankfully, I felt the Holy Spirit move into this moment:

HOLD ON, MAMA!  The whole purpose of this activity is for A to LEARN, right?

Uhm, yes.

Did she fill in the outline of the number 3 in a way that resembles the shape of the numeral?

Yes, again.

Is she demonstrating creativity, problem-solving, and an interest in learning in this process?

Yes.  Yes, she is.

THAN QUIT FREAKING OUT, WOMAN!  Relax and enjoy this time to bond and LEARN with your daughter!  You need this as much as she does.

Okay, so I don't think the Spirit yelled at me, but I did get the message loud and clear.

If I were to harp on A about not doing things exactly the way the Pinterest post author said she did it with HER child, I would be ruining the quality time that MY daughter and I were having right then.  There is nothing morally wrong about A lining up bits of dough to create her 3, rather than using a dough snake.  It's a developmental thing, not an issue of character or sin or any such high-stakes matter.  In point of fact, my daughter was using creativity and problem-solving to accomplish the task I placed in front of her to do.  These are qualities to be encouraged and commended (so long as her creativity and problem-solving do not include methods that are sinful, e.g., "I want a cookie, so I'm going to solve my problem of a lack of cookie by stealing one from the jar when Mommy isn't looking").

I'm so very thankful that the Lord chose that moment to speak into my circumstances.  My time with A that day was sweet and educationally productive BECAUSE I relaxed and let go of the idea of being "picture perfect" with our activity.

This happened last week, on Thursday or Friday, and I cannot count the number of times since then that the Spirit has pointed out to me when I was doing it AGAIN...feeling anxious because our reality didn't match the perfect pictures stored in my brain.  I'm talking about petty, insignificant things.  The pillows on the couch not placed exactly right.  Or how about this?  A is learning to make her own bed in the morning.  When I make her bed, it looks like a show-room bed. (Because I can't rest if it doesn't look that way when I'm done with it!)  When A makes her bed, it's made but it's rough.  She is, after all, only 3-1/2 and JUST LEARNING!  So, I could douse her enthusiasm in learning these new skills by always correcting her work, OR I could let it be and realize that, in time, her bed will look more and more tidy because she will gain more and more knowledge and skills.  The point of learning to make her bed is NOT that we get a beautifully-made, picture-perfect bed.  The whole POINT of her learning to make her own bed is learning to be responsible for herself, to faithfully steward what she's been given, and to take joy and pride in her work.  What kind of mother would I be if I dumped the cold water of criticism all over her young efforts at learning SIMPLY because her efforts do not match the perfect picture in MY head?  Not a loving mother, that's for sure!

As I write this, I'm seeing another lesson I believe the Lord wants me to learn.  If the magazine pictures, etc., are NOT my standard of perfection, WHO or WHAT is?  I mean, there IS a standard out there.  We don't live in a moral void.  But what is the standard and who created it?

Well, if you're a Christian, then I know you'll agree with me on that answer to that question:

Jesus.

Jesus is my standard and the Word of God tells me how to live by the standard God sets.  The plain fact of the matter is that I cannot, in my own efforts, meet God's standard.  And since I can't meet that standard on my own, He sent Jesus to meet it for me, with His death on the cross and His resurrection from the grave.  I am SO thankful right now for His sacrifice and even more thankful that He called me to Himself so that I may know Him and live in HIS strength.  Because having Jesus in my heart does not just help me meet the standard that allows me to live in heaven for eternity with God (which is an amazing and wonderful truth on its own).  Having Jesus in my heart means also that I don't have to navigate the murky, rough waters of life on my own between now and eternity.  He lives in me and so does His Strength.  When I turn to Him in humility and call on Him in my weakness, He empowers me to do what He has called me to do, whether it be the small things (e.g., laying aside FB time in order to spend quality time with my children) or in great things (e.g., speaking the truth in love when someone has hurt me or is about to hurt themselves).  

I'll leave off with some verses that come to mind as I reflect on perfectionism:

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  ~Romans 3:23

"For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 6:23

"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness." ~ 2 Peter 1:3

If you are a Believer, I hope today that you may be encouraged to set your eyes and your heart on Jesus as your standard of perfection.  I pray that we may learn to seek His approval over the approval of man, or even the approval of our own selves (as we are sometimes our own harshest critics).